Anyone out there?

I don't know if any reads this or not. Probably not, and that's completely fine (except for my mother who stalks me and I know...mother stop!). This is what I needed. I did this blog for me. I needed somewhere to shout and think at some point in time someone will hear. This helps me feel less alone. What is here are pieces of me. No, it's not a whole picture. Only pieces. I would bet that it would be easy to assume some things about me from this blog. I write like an angsty, depressed teen after all. But in all actuality I just want to say that this is not me at all. You may think it is, but it isn't. Sorry followers, I'm a liar.

In fact, none of this is me. It's all pieces and I'm going to be spending the rest of my life trying to paint a picture with these pieces.

Break down

It’s moments like these…

Moments like these.

Moments like

Moments

I ask you

I ask you to bless this day. This action. This heartbeat. This blink.

I ask you to bless this love. This friend. This smile. This movement.

I ask you bless this life. This hope. This faith. This breath.

You

Stress me out. Every time I am around you my skin crawls. You are anxious, unhappy, a dark cloud overshadowing me. I suffocate under your weight. Yet I love you. Yet I want to be with you. I want so badly to pull you up, lift your smile from the ground, but I am not the one to do that. Only you can. We are at a standstill. What do we do now? I cannot be around your sorrow much longer, it pulls me down. But you do not change despite what I say. I do not want to leave you.
I only wish you would smile.
I only wish you would realize what you have.
I only wish you would love again.

Nothing more

There is nothing that I want more than to be with you. You take my heart and we soar to otherworldly places. Higher and higher we fly. When we are together I fear nothing. When we are together I hate no one. When we are together I am a better person.

There is nothing that I want more than to grow old with you. I see your dreams on the cusp of reality. Further and further we go. When we are together there is nothing that can stop us. When we are together there is no one to tell us no. When we are together we make the world a better place.

There is nothing that I want more than to love you. I want nothing more than to be with you. To see your face in the morning and be held in your arms at night is a dream come true. I would want nothing more than that.

Note to self

Don’t ever fall in love.

Ever.

It’s a waste of time.

Because it will never happen.

I'm an emotional girl- and I hate it

I can be so cliché and it makes me what to barf all over the place. A girl being emotional, what a surprise right? But how can I help it? I simply feel what I feel.

Want to know my current feeling? If you don’t (and I wouldn’t either…I get it), stop reading now because there’s about to be a whole lot of feelings going on:
I’m super confused about what to do with my life
I’m feeling a tad (honestly, more than a tad) lonely
I don’t feel like my life amounts to much of anything
I fear the changes that are going to happen
I’m angry that nothing every seems to work out
I’m tired of putting my hope into hopeless people or causes- like a freaking idiot
I fear the future
I constantly believe I’m in an identity crisis and I’m over it
I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable
I feel like the size of a grain of sand
I’m led to believe that everyone will leave me, no matter the person
I’m fighting and losing
I feel like my heart is breaking and I don’t know why sometimes
I’m a fricking idiot, all the time
I don’t want to be here anymore
I’m hurt and sensitive. Everything is like a stab wound
I know this is all hot air, it’s shallow and makes me a shallow person


I just want to feel loved.
I just want to feel like I am doing right.
I just want to be able to rise above this and live with a peaceful and loving heart.

Alright, how do I get to that point? How do I find peace?