Goals for 2011

10 things I must do this year:

1. Spew less venom.
2. Love more.
3. Restore relationships broken.
4. Step foot in some place different.
5. Create more music.
6. Read more wise words.
7. Find what I love.
8. Make sure a dream becomes a reality.
9. Support someone lost.
10. Establish a cause.

Dormant

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those." --Unknown

"Remember the feeling as a child when you woke up and morning smiled? It's time you felt like that again." --Taj Mahal

Dreamer,
You have laid dormant for a long time now. Your mind has gone to different places. It has learned. It has loved. It has broken. Now, it's time to wake from your slumber. I know it's hard to see where you have let yourself sleep too long. It's hard to change. But trust me, change is what you need now. Do not regret what has happened, it is only apart of the story you are writing.

That feeling, you feel it, I know you do. It's what you love and it's your silent dreams coming to life again. It stirs within you and expands to touch every dark place that has grown with a blessed light. Sweet purpose. Let that consume you again. Let your heart explode with love and life until it sweeps you off your feet. Rise above mindless consumption and faded emotion, they are nothing compared to the possibility and power of your dreams. Be who you are and just go. Now is your time to go.

Love, a friend, not an enemy (anymore).

Heart on the Floor

I turned the dandelions upside down because I thought I was cool.
Just wake up, the alarm has been ringing for the past hour
“Good luck on your finals!
Knock ‘em dead!”
Thanks :)
Is that all that we can say to each other?
Frying pans….who knew?
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, there’s my heart. On the floor
I think you put it there.
How will I ever get through this season?
Season: of longing?
Of depression?
Of self-loathing?
“So and so…What changed?”
What?
Everything changed. I’m sorry it was me.
I want to be like Joy.
I want to be a light in the darkness.
I want to bring life wherever I go.
I want to be that girl, but I am not.
It breaks my heart.

Today

Today is a cold fleeting memory floating between consciousness and unconsciousness. It wakes me from my dreams and lulls me back to sleep. I slumber. For hours, days, weeks; I can’t remember. Today is my time of longing. Longing so great and so deep I cannot wake up anymore. Today is comatose. Broken and lost to the world in my head.

I hear you. I hear your gentle voice whisper in my ear as you kneel beside my breathing form, too afraid to touch me, I loved you. I turn over, pretending I heard nothing. But I heard everything. It stings. It sears me from the inside out. Don’t touch me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t…get away from me!

I believed you once upon a time, now never again. I want so badly to be healed of all this dead. I want to shed this old memory, you, like it never happened. If only I could. Leave. That’s all I want you to do is leave.

Disunity

Why do I prefer disunity over connection? Why do I relish in brokenness over holism? I would much rather see us unhappy and distant than joyous and together. Does this make me a bad person? I would rather have the world shattered right now, what is wrong with me?

I’m at a place right now where I would much rather bring the world down with me in my brokenness. I’m in a place where I would like to see others suffer with me too. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s lonely, maybe it’s disgusting. I just need to feel like other’s hearts are in pain too. I need to know I am not the only one broken here.

You shattered me. I feel like I am in a million pieces. How am I going to do this again? How am I going to be able to pick up after this? I just need someone to hold my hand right now.

The hardest part of ending is starting again.