Two

The glass shattered on the sidewalk,

The contents exploding forth in a frothy protest.

And then it all settles.

The loud crack rests on your ears,

And the liquid begins to calm.

You felt this sudden urge,

At the mere sight of me,

To throw the most expensive thing you own

On the ground.

Maybe you didn’t do it in reality,

But I saw this image of you

Heaving the bottle over your head,

Pulsing your body with all your might,

Pushing all the rage you feel directly into the shattered pieces.

And your heart was racing at the moment,

When glass touched the concrete and broke.

It wasn’t the glass’s fault.

It was your own. 

Stay at Home Dad

You called me eight times today.

I’m not picking up because I am “asserting my opinion”

Can’t you see that I don’t want to talk to someone who

Is a walking double standard?

I’m in a dilemma,

What I am holds me back.

Tell us all that it doesn’t matter anymore,

But we are smarter than that.

Things have not changed.

I will still get paid less than you,

I still cannot lift heavy machinery,

I still cannot shoot a gun.

I still cannot fight for a country I love.

You have asked many times what I mean by double standard,

And I have asserted many times,

This idea that you want me to speak my mind,

And yet,

You feed me a script is somewhat contradictory.

Are you too prideful to admit your fear of me?

Are you too afraid to let go?

Mass Produced Jesus

Do this in remembrance if me,

Cupped in your hand,

A small pressed disc,

The flavor of cardboard,

The look of plastic,

It melts away into your blood,

A symbolic saving grace.

Buy this for $9.99 at the local

Christian super-market,

Pre-blessed and holy.

The drier the wine the more it was prayed over,

The colder the water, the holier it is.

Bottle it up, ship it out, save them souls.

I have always wanted to buy clergy clothing,

Just to be able to wear it wherever I want.

Picture that,

Walking down the street,

With those silly hats and cloaks draped over me.

Just going to school like normal.

I can get those too, on soulsaver.com

For $50 each. 

Twenty Four

Chains I carry.

Limits you defined.

Every day I lift them for you.

I cannot forget.

This system you made.

From when my eyes break open.

‘Til when they slam shut.

I am a slave to you.

Dear God,

Only you could know.

The voice leaks into my room every night,

When everyone else is asleep, it comes.

It is sticky and dirty,

Covers my body in a thick cocoon.

I cannot move, part of me doesn’t want to.

Its slimy hands spread my legs

And that voice, that voice, consumes my mind.

The words fall like syrup on me,

Sweet nothings like:

you are a failure

you accomplish nothing

you deserve the worst

you are a hypocrite.

A charmer with its words indeed. 

And when I finally close my eyes,

I feel the water begin to cleanse me.  

Amen.

All I whimper when it leaves

Having used me to its fill.

Amen. 

Shouldn't

I shouldn’t care but I do. I shouldn’t, but I do. I do.

Can’t help but feel ugly when you look past me like a window,

Can’t help but feel tired when you drain me,

Can’t help but feel like a failure when I can’t get away from you,

Can’t help but feel cheated at the very thought of you.

I shouldn’t say I regret meeting you, but I think I do.

I shouldn’t say I hate you, but I’m beginning to think I do.

How scary is that…

I can't wait

Today I put a secret in a box. I put two actually. There they sit in the darkness, waiting to turn into something beautiful. Surprise, they were about you. I can’t wait until I’m not in love with you. I can’t wait until I no longer fear you. I can’t wait until…

And as my life floats by me, spending days and hours waiting for you, a feeling of searing regret consumes me. I wasted so much time on you. YOU.  It’s pathetic really. How much I have given up for you, how much I obsess over you, how much I idolize you.

I can’t wait for the day I no longer need you.

I am the size of an ant. I can be squashed beneath your shoe, and just like that, I’m forgotten.

I wished

Now I’m running away from you. Funny how things change so quickly.

I’m sorry I wished this upon you. I would lay awake at night; my heart pounding, my fists clenched so tight they hurt, my mind racing. I would lay there for hours praying that something would go wrong. I prayed for this exactly. I held my breath. I passed out. I went into a coma. I had to crawl out of the deepest parts of me in order to even open my eyes again. Now that I am awake, I am sorry.

I always say how I wish I was focusing on more beautiful things. I really do wish this. I do.

Now I look behind me and see the mess you made; the vortex that is spinning out of control and sucking in others against their every will. I see this and a cruel glare of guilt blinds me. This is my fault I whisper. But when I look at the cliff I’ve had to climb to get away from you, I realize this was not my fault. You did this to yourself. Thank God I am not down there.

What happens now? You live your life. And I choose to live mine. I hope that we can still be friends, that have been my hope since the day we first said hello. But I will be damned before I let you hurt me again. I’ve learned my lesson. You won’t pull me down ever again.

So many words unheard

I’ve been fighting to find something to say. I open my mouth and the words can’t even squeak out. I feel robbed. Robbed of something to say. Even in my writing there is nothing to offer you. I’ve been drawing a blank, tapping my pencil on the blank page. It’s been months now. Nothing can describe in the way I want it to. Whatever I write, it’s not right. Nothing is good enough for it; if I can ever figure out what it is.

And believe me; I have much to say.

And I can’t even focus on anything beautiful now. I spend more time in thought than I do anything. Have you seen the list of things I need to read? It goes on for centuries. There’s no end in sight. And I am the only one to blame.

I went away from you in hopes that I would find something beautiful within myself to thrive. But now I am even running away from that because you followed me there. I cannot get away from you. I want to, I’m desperate to, but I cannot right now.

So now I’ll just sip my tea; slightly cold and sweetened way too much. I’ll just stare at the screen before me with a smug sense of self importance. I’ll let the music drift softly onto deaf ears. And I’ll leave the pages blank.