God shouldn't be so hard to swallow

What was believed ten years ago,
in the eyes of a child,
looking for a home and something to believe in;
cannot transcend what changes when
time passes and experiences are learned.
And maybe I am just lost,
but I've been half-way across around the world;
what can you say about that?
And maybe I am just one in the
hordes of the godless masses,
but I cannot say that the changes in my heart
are wrong at all.
Because I do not think truth is so starkly defined,
and I certainly do not think God is black or white either.

Djuna Barnes

This is the box you placed me in...

Work

I have always wondered what it would take
to break that ice-cold countenance you hold,
and how I could reach somewhere
deep within your passions
to make you see that I want us to be beyond this world.
And maybe if you just gave me a chance
that would make all the difference
to our dreams and our hardest desires.
And I remember thinking of you as so strange
your first day in Spanish class.
Greasy hair strangled your face as you tried
to stand strong against the fierce beast
that was being the new kid in high school.
I remember saying hello out of pity.
I was the too kind Christian girl,
who actually hated herself more than any one believed.
Fat and out of place, trying to figure out the world.
We talked of bands and California.
And now, I am half-way around the world
and hope still flickers on and off for you.
And I see this longing deep within you
to be something greater than just another
Suburban mutt who fell in love with the idea of literature, music and perfection.
And I wonder if you ever saw something in me.
I just want to make it work.
I want to make something out of our nothing.

Carvings in the Snow

There is a something strangely and methodically intoxicating
when I carve paths in the snow.
I let my feet carry me places
and the crunch of freshness
comforts me in knowing that I have been
the only one in the world to touch those snowflakes.
And I want so badly to make
something out of nothing,
to have some other purpose other than carving paths in the snow.
I think that there is some other
things that I could be doing with my life.
But I am not sure yet.
Feet, help me carve patterns in the snow.
Because this is all I know right now.

Light

It's ok to not be able to love everyone,
because we as people are not big enough,
nor humble enough.
No place is home now,
and I carve my place
out of a stone mountain.
It may not be suitable for you,
but for me it's all I got.
And I ask for something sweet,
to keep my energy up.
But you only cover me in salt.
and water is a dreamland.
Where will I go to find rest?
Where will I got to find a friend?
Familiar faces are millions of miles
behind me and I forgot to retrace my steps
so long ago.
And the world's shaky, sticky breath
makes my skin crawl.
Some people decide to never touch it,
but I have found myself deep inside of it;
covered in its stinking goo and puss.
You have no idea what it means to me
when I find a place to rest.
You have no idea what it feels like to be home.
And this idea of rightness surrounds me like
a coffin and I can sleep finally at peace.
I was afraid of this once,
and my heart beat red with the freshness of youth.
But now I feel like I carry a stone.

New Season

When I write a poem about you, you know it's concrete.
And I haven't written a poem in so long,
not until you came around at least.
There a true loathing in me
because now its become a waiting game.
Time has always slipped away from me
and I don't understand why.
And I knew I should have seen this coming,
you would be like all the rest.
But a broken and hurt heart means pebbles to you,
and pebbles belong in the dirt.
And everything is new and scary now
and the cold bites my fingers to stubs.
All I want you to do is keep me warm at night
especially when I stare in the face of a stranger all day.
Something familiar and fresh...
is that too much to ask for?
But instead I go crazy waiting for some air from you.
And I rack my brain with ways to make
my life better.
But right now I just feel tormented
because I decided to let you in.