Mid-year goals for 2011

Need to revamp some goals for myself:

1. Stand for something.
2. Increase your confidence.
3. Love even when it hurts.
4. Be a good person.
5. Think less about yourself.
6. Create something.
7. Laugh more than you cry.
8. Let it go.
9. Know that you are loved.
10. Worry about important things.

I'm trying to pull my mind out of itself. I want to expand it to always automatically think of others before myself. I want to become a more confident woman, I want to love unconditionally, I want to be stronger, I want to stand for something. I want to grow, I want to become Sarah Hanselin now. I want to worry less about things that really aren't important (like what others are doing or what they feel about me). I'm ready to live life a little more vibrantly. I pray that I can become a better person and live life a little more fully.

Remember this:

1. You are not a bad person.
2. It doesn't really matter in the end.
3. Life is what you make it.
4. A smile is always the best answer.
5. Don't be reckless with your heart.
6. You are worth it.
7. You are strong enough.
8. You are loved.
9. Life is not measured in numbers.
10. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Sonnet for a Rainbow

All I have now are the pieces,
but I see the rainbow streak across the sky.
The pieces rattle between my fingers,
shaking as I fear what I have now.
There wasn't much before,
But all I have now are the pieces.
I strike out and burn the pieces,
they burn until they are powder.
Their ash will build the memorial,
their ash will be the concrete between the bricks.
I don't care what the pieces were before.
I don't care what image they made,
now they are something completely new.
And I see the rainbow streak across the sky.

Fantasy 2

You don't remember me at all. And why would you? We were friends so long ago that the days we spent together melt away into a lump of sweaty recesses and peanut butter banana sandwiches. You had so many friends then, I'm just another one of those faces you stuggle to put a name to now.

But I remember what I felt about you.

They say it should be impossible for kids to know what love is, but I like being the exception. Can you deny that it is love when still to this day, twenty years later, I can still remember the way the ribbon in your hair made your eyes shine so bright?

I'm taking another girl out for dinner tonight. The same usual thing; dinner at a stuffy over-priced place, stroll through a park, "impromptu" movie, and walking her to her door. She'll tell me how wonderful the night was, aching to drag me through the threshold. And I'll stand there, with my dumb sly smile and hands tucked away in my pockets, telling her that I think she is really special and that is why we should wait. I won't call her after tonight. I will make sure never to see her again for the rest of my life. I'll go home to an empty apartment, grab a glass of wine and stare out into the city dreaming of you. I've broken a lot of hearts, and I know this, but all this time I have just been waiting for you to walk back into my life.

I've been holding my breath. Listening more intently than everyone else to hear your voice one more time. Time and childhood just happened to separate us, which I regret more than anything else in this world. I won't forget how your wobbly knees were always covered in scraps and brusies. I won't forget that your favorite shoes were those plastic pink sandals with the paw prints covering one of the straps. I won't forget that devious grin you always had right before you pinched my skin. You smelled of crayons, sunshine, and dirt. To me, that was the best smell in the world.

I often wonder where you are now. I have dreams of running into you in the wildest places. The grocery store down the street; you are buying strawberries and Cool Whip and I hold a frozen pizza under my arm. At my favorite coffee shop, you are justing sitting there reading in my favorite chair. I've even imagined waking up beside you with the largest smile on my face.

But I don't know where you are. I don't know if you have someone else in your life, you might even have a family. I hope your kids have that same glossy brown hair I have loved so deeply in my dreams.

Maybe you are a teacher, you always said you wanted to be like Mrs. Able, our third grade teacher who read us Harry Potter on rainy afternoons. Or maybe you are a doctor, you were always better at science than me. Or maybe you are an international world traveler. I can just picture you, with that huge grin, taking in every moment of life.

I don't ever picture bad moments happening to you. It might be just the disillusion of a lonesome soul or it could be that you brought so much joy to my life I would only hope everyday of your life would be the same. I know I love you. I have known since we were five-years old. And one day, I will be able to tell that to you in person.  

Exam

On darkly luminate nights
they come to examine the souls.
There is this air of uncomfortable judgement,
one by one souls stand before them.
The words squirm out of their foul mouths,
breaths a mixture of rotten flesh and hate,
"What did you stand for?"

Some find the words very powerfully;
"I lived the American Dream."
"I lived for my kids."
"I was successful in everything I did."
And still, they shake their heads and said,
"Empty."
What a crushing blow the souls felt,
as they tumbled and cascaded to their void of reality.

Others were honest;
"I lived for nothing."
"I hated every single day."
"I wish I had an answer for you."
At least they chose honor at the final moments,
and it became more of a hushed acceptance,
as the void sucked in their already empty life.

And finally, the true souls shown through;
"I loved greater than I have ever known."
"I saw the wonders of the world."
"I made sure to help others who were in need."
With a growl they had to shrink away,
the light the souls carried within them
made the night wither away.

Serenity

It's when the cotton floats like snow on the air,
and yet the summer sun still kisses your skin.
You look out your window
and for a brief moment both seasons converge.
Light surrounds your eyes
as the white puffs dance through the air.
They cover the ground in a dusty sense of duty
and for a moment you remember the time you just came from.
The white covers all the blemishes of the world
and you feel pure again.

Fantasy 1

Like clockwork, you stroll by everyday. Planted on your face is this expression of determination. It creases the line on your forehead, makes your eyes seem slightly sharper, and makes your strides more forceful. I can never understand why you wear this expression daily. It doesn't make you ugly; I don't think anything could do that to your face. It just makes you look more distant from me.

Not that we were ever close. Though, I wish I had the courage to change that.

You probably have a million other things on your mind. I wish I knew what they were. A lightening bolt of fear strikes me in the core, what if those thoughts are bad? Do you need me? You don't look the type to need a knight in shining armor, but I would like to be yours.

But this is all a fantasy made up in my head. Why would you; strolling by in your broken flip-flops and headphones blocking out the world, ever notice a guy like me? And I'm being a little overly romantic aren't I? Imagining a whirl-wind romance between two people that barely know each other. I guess I'm just as desperate as the rest of the world to find love. Although, when I see you I just can't help seeing that in my head. True love, I only see true love. It's a sickness. There is just something about you. It's in the way that your eyes seem to take in the world in a more profound way. It's in the way your body moves like it's dancing to an ancient song. There is some primal enchantment that sticks to your very presence. And no, it's not just sex. I think this is what soul mates feel when they see the other. It's this instaneous pull towards you that controls my every action.

You think with that kind of power you have over me, I would have talked to you by now. But everyday like clockwork, there you pass. Pressing the crosswalk button and gently swaying to your music waiting for the light to change. You walk off, past the point where I can see you. And everyday, like clockwork, I know I let a chance go.

Bring you with me

There was a joy that bloomed in my heart today when I saw you. We are not even to the point of being able to say hello yet, but you held in you hand a book that I love. I wanted so badly to tell you that, but I let that moment go. I don't regret it, not yet anyway. I feel like there will be many more moments to tell you how great that book is.

Have you ever had a moment where you know you have met someone who is going to be life-changing to you? My mind wants to write it off immediately as something ridiculous. How could I ever know I met someone who would completely morph my life into a different thing? Especially if I don't even know his last name yet. More than ever now, I feel it's ridiculous because what if I am just being that hopeless romantic I can be sometimes?

But he is different, I met him and I just knew. Either this guy is going to be one of the closest friends I have ever had or I'm just crazy. Which crazy could be a large possibilty too. And let's not forget the prevailing desparation that has been plaguing my daily thoughts and actions. That could play a minor role too.

But really, there's something about this guy that feels like we are drawn together. Like we would be so good for each other and that we are going to go on adventures together. I feel like we could grow together. It helps knowing that we are going to be spending 11 days together in the Yucatan. Guess we will just have to see.

We don't Speak often

But I need you so badly right now,
I do not have the strength.
I do not have the energy.
They say you do.
Help.

The Card in your Mailbox

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7orcS9eBo8s

That card is not simply a testament to an awkward friendship,
it is also a sign of my greatest weakness.

Abba

The lines of your face
     are the stories of
     your greatest joys
     and sorrows.
I could only hope that
     my name was worked
     into those wrinkles
     on your face.
I remember the first
     lesson you taught me
     when you were gone long
     nights installing an
     air conditioner in
     an old woman's house.
I remember when you
     taught me how to laugh,
     the summer's cool air
     kissed my skin and the
     lights danced around your
     face, as the stories poured
     out of you.
I remember seeing you that
     whole night I lay awake
     burning with fever, you
     could not sleep and waited
     for the dawn to bring peace.
I remember that first dance
     we had together, you never
     dance, but you would dance
     for me.
I remember you crying the
     day I left you. But I
     didn't really leave you from
     my heart.
I remember thr day that you
     told me of the ugliness of the
     world, but the you held me
     and all felt right.

Desperate

My eyes could not read fast enough,
the words you scribbled out on the page.
I read them over and over again,
hoping that the kind sentiments you spewed before
would somehow manifest into something real.
You said such nice things,
and yet your actions speak another language.
There is this certain amount of coldness
that heavily weighs on your shoulders.
It brings your whole life down. It sinks your whole soul.

I feel my life draining from my fingertips
as I realize what exactly you were truly saying.
I just add it to another heartbreak.
Throw the paper on the growing pile of let downs.

They say that in order to make it
you have to have a thick skin.
It has to bounce off of you like it never happened.
I'm frightened to let that happen.
Because if I get a thick skin,
maybe I won't feel anything anymore.
Including love.