A Barbie

It’s not fair. If you wanted a Barbie, why didn’t you just say it? We try to comfort ourselves by saying that they will see past this. But I know. I get it now. All they want is Barbie. Perfection and beauty. Cold plastic glossy with societal acceptance, not warm fleshy imperfections. Maybe she’ll have some brains or a kind heart and to top it all off, she’s gorgeous. Gorgeous from head to toe.

I’m not a Barbie. What the hell am I going to do?

Stafford Wife

Good morning honey.
I made you breakfast, like a good wife. Good morning.
I did your laundry, like a good wife. Have a good day.
I cleaned the house, like a good wife. Are you too busy again?
I gave you children, like a good wife. Two like we discussed.
I joined a book club, like a good wife. I won’t read anything but romance novels.
I made you a pie, like a good wife. Apple, your favorite of course.
I gave up my life, like a good wife. I don’t tell you what I really think.
I gave up my dreams, like a good wife. Our lives, your dreams, are priority.
Good morning. Honey, good morning.

Dear Man I Love,

I have a gift to offer you. It’s tiny and not worth much in the grand scheme of things, but it’s so very important to me. I have worked hard for this gift. I’ve broken my back for this gift day in and day out. I’ve had it for a long time and I’ve been waiting to give it to someone. I’ve been holding my breath for the right person. I’ve gone blue in the face from the wait. No one has been right before, not before now.

You see, this gift, is tucked away. I’ve hidden it because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that harm will come to it, afraid that someone will steal it and I will never get it back, afraid that no one would want it. But you, you, are very different. Something has clicked and the curtain has been drawn from where I have hidden this gift. It’s like I realized that I have been hiding the gift even from myself, it has been lost to me. It’s like the dust has been cleared from an old dirty window and light has come blaring in and I can no longer say that I do not see it anymore.

Suddenly, there is a beacon (a light) in the darkness.

If you haven’t caught on yet, this gift is my heart.

Love, A Hopeless Dreamer

This is Wisdom

Don’t be Reckless with Your Heart
Check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Oh and Post Script

I'm having a really hard time with this. I wish you didn't make me feel like such an idiot. And I just wish we talked more. I love talking to you.

I hate getting my hopes up. It sucks to come back to a harsh reality.

Anyone out there?

I don't know if any reads this or not. Probably not, and that's completely fine (except for my mother who stalks me and I know...mother stop!). This is what I needed. I did this blog for me. I needed somewhere to shout and think at some point in time someone will hear. This helps me feel less alone. What is here are pieces of me. No, it's not a whole picture. Only pieces. I would bet that it would be easy to assume some things about me from this blog. I write like an angsty, depressed teen after all. But in all actuality I just want to say that this is not me at all. You may think it is, but it isn't. Sorry followers, I'm a liar.

In fact, none of this is me. It's all pieces and I'm going to be spending the rest of my life trying to paint a picture with these pieces.

Break down

It’s moments like these…

Moments like these.

Moments like

Moments

I ask you

I ask you to bless this day. This action. This heartbeat. This blink.

I ask you to bless this love. This friend. This smile. This movement.

I ask you bless this life. This hope. This faith. This breath.

You

Stress me out. Every time I am around you my skin crawls. You are anxious, unhappy, a dark cloud overshadowing me. I suffocate under your weight. Yet I love you. Yet I want to be with you. I want so badly to pull you up, lift your smile from the ground, but I am not the one to do that. Only you can. We are at a standstill. What do we do now? I cannot be around your sorrow much longer, it pulls me down. But you do not change despite what I say. I do not want to leave you.
I only wish you would smile.
I only wish you would realize what you have.
I only wish you would love again.