Goals for 2011

10 things I must do this year:

1. Spew less venom.
2. Love more.
3. Restore relationships broken.
4. Step foot in some place different.
5. Create more music.
6. Read more wise words.
7. Find what I love.
8. Make sure a dream becomes a reality.
9. Support someone lost.
10. Establish a cause.

Dormant

"There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those." --Unknown

"Remember the feeling as a child when you woke up and morning smiled? It's time you felt like that again." --Taj Mahal

Dreamer,
You have laid dormant for a long time now. Your mind has gone to different places. It has learned. It has loved. It has broken. Now, it's time to wake from your slumber. I know it's hard to see where you have let yourself sleep too long. It's hard to change. But trust me, change is what you need now. Do not regret what has happened, it is only apart of the story you are writing.

That feeling, you feel it, I know you do. It's what you love and it's your silent dreams coming to life again. It stirs within you and expands to touch every dark place that has grown with a blessed light. Sweet purpose. Let that consume you again. Let your heart explode with love and life until it sweeps you off your feet. Rise above mindless consumption and faded emotion, they are nothing compared to the possibility and power of your dreams. Be who you are and just go. Now is your time to go.

Love, a friend, not an enemy (anymore).

Heart on the Floor

I turned the dandelions upside down because I thought I was cool.
Just wake up, the alarm has been ringing for the past hour
“Good luck on your finals!
Knock ‘em dead!”
Thanks :)
Is that all that we can say to each other?
Frying pans….who knew?
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, there’s my heart. On the floor
I think you put it there.
How will I ever get through this season?
Season: of longing?
Of depression?
Of self-loathing?
“So and so…What changed?”
What?
Everything changed. I’m sorry it was me.
I want to be like Joy.
I want to be a light in the darkness.
I want to bring life wherever I go.
I want to be that girl, but I am not.
It breaks my heart.

Today

Today is a cold fleeting memory floating between consciousness and unconsciousness. It wakes me from my dreams and lulls me back to sleep. I slumber. For hours, days, weeks; I can’t remember. Today is my time of longing. Longing so great and so deep I cannot wake up anymore. Today is comatose. Broken and lost to the world in my head.

I hear you. I hear your gentle voice whisper in my ear as you kneel beside my breathing form, too afraid to touch me, I loved you. I turn over, pretending I heard nothing. But I heard everything. It stings. It sears me from the inside out. Don’t touch me. Don’t lie to me. Don’t…get away from me!

I believed you once upon a time, now never again. I want so badly to be healed of all this dead. I want to shed this old memory, you, like it never happened. If only I could. Leave. That’s all I want you to do is leave.

Disunity

Why do I prefer disunity over connection? Why do I relish in brokenness over holism? I would much rather see us unhappy and distant than joyous and together. Does this make me a bad person? I would rather have the world shattered right now, what is wrong with me?

I’m at a place right now where I would much rather bring the world down with me in my brokenness. I’m in a place where I would like to see others suffer with me too. Maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s lonely, maybe it’s disgusting. I just need to feel like other’s hearts are in pain too. I need to know I am not the only one broken here.

You shattered me. I feel like I am in a million pieces. How am I going to do this again? How am I going to be able to pick up after this? I just need someone to hold my hand right now.

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

A Barbie

It’s not fair. If you wanted a Barbie, why didn’t you just say it? We try to comfort ourselves by saying that they will see past this. But I know. I get it now. All they want is Barbie. Perfection and beauty. Cold plastic glossy with societal acceptance, not warm fleshy imperfections. Maybe she’ll have some brains or a kind heart and to top it all off, she’s gorgeous. Gorgeous from head to toe.

I’m not a Barbie. What the hell am I going to do?

Stafford Wife

Good morning honey.
I made you breakfast, like a good wife. Good morning.
I did your laundry, like a good wife. Have a good day.
I cleaned the house, like a good wife. Are you too busy again?
I gave you children, like a good wife. Two like we discussed.
I joined a book club, like a good wife. I won’t read anything but romance novels.
I made you a pie, like a good wife. Apple, your favorite of course.
I gave up my life, like a good wife. I don’t tell you what I really think.
I gave up my dreams, like a good wife. Our lives, your dreams, are priority.
Good morning. Honey, good morning.

Dear Man I Love,

I have a gift to offer you. It’s tiny and not worth much in the grand scheme of things, but it’s so very important to me. I have worked hard for this gift. I’ve broken my back for this gift day in and day out. I’ve had it for a long time and I’ve been waiting to give it to someone. I’ve been holding my breath for the right person. I’ve gone blue in the face from the wait. No one has been right before, not before now.

You see, this gift, is tucked away. I’ve hidden it because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that harm will come to it, afraid that someone will steal it and I will never get it back, afraid that no one would want it. But you, you, are very different. Something has clicked and the curtain has been drawn from where I have hidden this gift. It’s like I realized that I have been hiding the gift even from myself, it has been lost to me. It’s like the dust has been cleared from an old dirty window and light has come blaring in and I can no longer say that I do not see it anymore.

Suddenly, there is a beacon (a light) in the darkness.

If you haven’t caught on yet, this gift is my heart.

Love, A Hopeless Dreamer

This is Wisdom

Don’t be Reckless with Your Heart
Check it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Oh and Post Script

I'm having a really hard time with this. I wish you didn't make me feel like such an idiot. And I just wish we talked more. I love talking to you.

I hate getting my hopes up. It sucks to come back to a harsh reality.

Anyone out there?

I don't know if any reads this or not. Probably not, and that's completely fine (except for my mother who stalks me and I know...mother stop!). This is what I needed. I did this blog for me. I needed somewhere to shout and think at some point in time someone will hear. This helps me feel less alone. What is here are pieces of me. No, it's not a whole picture. Only pieces. I would bet that it would be easy to assume some things about me from this blog. I write like an angsty, depressed teen after all. But in all actuality I just want to say that this is not me at all. You may think it is, but it isn't. Sorry followers, I'm a liar.

In fact, none of this is me. It's all pieces and I'm going to be spending the rest of my life trying to paint a picture with these pieces.

Break down

It’s moments like these…

Moments like these.

Moments like

Moments

I ask you

I ask you to bless this day. This action. This heartbeat. This blink.

I ask you to bless this love. This friend. This smile. This movement.

I ask you bless this life. This hope. This faith. This breath.

You

Stress me out. Every time I am around you my skin crawls. You are anxious, unhappy, a dark cloud overshadowing me. I suffocate under your weight. Yet I love you. Yet I want to be with you. I want so badly to pull you up, lift your smile from the ground, but I am not the one to do that. Only you can. We are at a standstill. What do we do now? I cannot be around your sorrow much longer, it pulls me down. But you do not change despite what I say. I do not want to leave you.
I only wish you would smile.
I only wish you would realize what you have.
I only wish you would love again.

Nothing more

There is nothing that I want more than to be with you. You take my heart and we soar to otherworldly places. Higher and higher we fly. When we are together I fear nothing. When we are together I hate no one. When we are together I am a better person.

There is nothing that I want more than to grow old with you. I see your dreams on the cusp of reality. Further and further we go. When we are together there is nothing that can stop us. When we are together there is no one to tell us no. When we are together we make the world a better place.

There is nothing that I want more than to love you. I want nothing more than to be with you. To see your face in the morning and be held in your arms at night is a dream come true. I would want nothing more than that.

Note to self

Don’t ever fall in love.

Ever.

It’s a waste of time.

Because it will never happen.

I'm an emotional girl- and I hate it

I can be so cliché and it makes me what to barf all over the place. A girl being emotional, what a surprise right? But how can I help it? I simply feel what I feel.

Want to know my current feeling? If you don’t (and I wouldn’t either…I get it), stop reading now because there’s about to be a whole lot of feelings going on:
I’m super confused about what to do with my life
I’m feeling a tad (honestly, more than a tad) lonely
I don’t feel like my life amounts to much of anything
I fear the changes that are going to happen
I’m angry that nothing every seems to work out
I’m tired of putting my hope into hopeless people or causes- like a freaking idiot
I fear the future
I constantly believe I’m in an identity crisis and I’m over it
I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable
I feel like the size of a grain of sand
I’m led to believe that everyone will leave me, no matter the person
I’m fighting and losing
I feel like my heart is breaking and I don’t know why sometimes
I’m a fricking idiot, all the time
I don’t want to be here anymore
I’m hurt and sensitive. Everything is like a stab wound
I know this is all hot air, it’s shallow and makes me a shallow person


I just want to feel loved.
I just want to feel like I am doing right.
I just want to be able to rise above this and live with a peaceful and loving heart.

Alright, how do I get to that point? How do I find peace?

The path before us

I feel change in my bones. Temporary. Temporary has been ringing in my head for the longest time now. Things are going to change and I don’t know whether to say I am excited or afraid. Why do things change and why don’t they change at the same exact time?

There are days when I feel like I have strength. There are days when I feel like I’m lost at sea.
I hate having decisions before me. I want to be a machine. Plug me in, give me instructions, and watch me go. I’m good at that kind of stuff. But when I’m told that I have to trust something indefinite, I begin to lose my mind.

Most days I feel like life is actually quite distant from me. I have a goal. Something to sweat and toil for now but that will come tomorrow. But from time to time, reality presses itself against me. I don’t have that much time. I have to live life now because there is nothing else.

This is wrong, all wrong. I need some sort of redemption. Because I’ve been doing this all wrong and I’m weary from guilt. Please, don’t leave me in hanging in the balance. Give me breath. Bring air into this shattered body. I think that would be the most glorious feeling. Give me direction and peace. Calm this soul.

Fade

This idea of trust (faith) feels like a fathomless pit. I will never understand it, I will never have it, I will never possess it. I just fall into it and I am still twirling, whirling through the air hoping to land soon. I trust you? I say yes but in my heart I mean no.

It seems to me that we’ve all been hurt in this life. Had something burned, we opened up too much of our hearts to this concept of trust. What I truly don’t understand is how we could ever trust someone completely. That would actually mean opening up fully. When I think about it, I have never done that with anyone. I have never been myself. I have never have…

PAUSE

I simply have never felt more alone than right now. I need someone and that is all I can say. I need someone.

Never Again

I don’t think I can do it…never again. I just can’t take being hurt again. Why does it have to be such a risk? Everyone else seems to have it figured out except for me. Why does it always seem to end in silence?

I don’t want to feel like a criminal. I, unknowingly, was shoved into this system. I don’t want to be blamed for something I didn’t create. I wish I could fix it, I really do. But I am only one person. No power, no voice, nothing. This is a reality I’ve come to terms with and I try my hardest to make the best of it.

I don’t want to live a lie. It destroys me from the inside out. Breaks me into fragments. I don’t want to be told there is a solution when we all know we are just fumbling in the dark. We don’t know left from right, up from down.

I just don’t.

New Heart

It's not a competition and if it is, I don't have to win.
Because we win in the long run when we realize that we loved and laughed harder than any competitor.
It's not a judgment and if it is, I don't have to join in.
Because we have no place to make any judgment on other people.
It's not a prison and if it is, I don't have to be trapped.
Because we are free when we choose to be free, there can be freedom in obedience.

Ouch.

Why is this hurting so much? I thought you were serious, but you weren’t. Maybe it’s because I was very much serious and now I just feel like a fool.

Take my focus to other places. I don’t want to be here anymore.

You were my love. You still are my love. I miss you and I don’t understand. When something good happens I can’t help but think of how much better it would’ve been if you were still here.

It’s time to move on, I know it, I feel it. Patience. I need closure. Why can’t I just have closure?

You said you would never do this to me again. I want to know what happened this time to change your heart. What did I do wrong this time? Will I ever hear from you again?

I tired of feeling like this, I am thirsty. Give me a drink, please. Relief, something, anything. I am dying out here. I don’t know if I am going to be able to make it to the promise land.

Not enough.

I have a confession: I don’t feel like enough. I don’t know whether to try harder or just accept this fate. I feel like I am fading. Becoming incorporated. The funny thing is that I’ve always wanted to be incorporated but this time it’s weird. I am not myself this time. No one sees the true me and what is being incorporated is fake. People can see it, they know, I know. It’s wrong and I am panicking.

There is not a word to describe it except loneliness. I want to be enough, but I am not. What is around me is not enough either. I devour, consume thoughtlessly. I lose what is most important to me and half the time I don’t even realize it. I want more. More, always, more. This is not enough and is thinking troubles me the most. If I have friends, I want more friends and I do not appreciate the friends I have. If a friend talks to someone I know and not me, I suddenly want them to always talk to me. I don’t want to ever be alone or feel “forgotten”. That is a reality that I could never quite handle.

It’s a rat race though. Pointless and painful. My question is; how can I ever be content? Do I need to lose everything in order to be at peace? Will it come to that point?

That was my confession.

P.S. Amazing quote= “Love life and life will love you. Love people and they will love you.” –Arthur Rubinstein. This is good for my heart.

Art and Motorcycles

There are many reasons I could list for why I choose to smile. One day at a time. I try to keep my eyes on a bigger picture; try not getting caught up on the details. I wake up and I decide where this day will lead, what things I will accomplish.

I am on the brink of something extraordinary, I can feel it. It will make me happy. The anticipation tingles in my stomach and I can’t wait much longer. I grow restless. I get upset and feel trapped here, looking out the window, waiting for my life to begin. But it’s one step at a time. One moment to the next. I can’t wait. I cannot wait.

So for now, I choose this. My eyes are keen to the door opening, but they’re no longer stuck staring. I choose art and motorcycles, laughing until I burst, learning until I drop, loving until I die. It’s alright, for now. It’s alright, I’ll be alright, we’ll be alright.

Quotastic

Some beautiful quotes I have run across lately:

“People who believe in fear build walls; people who believe in freedom build bridges.” J. Blanton Belk
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen, keep in the sunlight.” Benjamin Franklin
“How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone.” Coco Chanel

Just thought I should share.

Flat Line.

Clear! Muscles convulse. She’s not coming back. Flat line. Flat line. Flat line.

Come back. It’s time to come back. This isn’t a game anymore, this is life. No, you cannot just pretend it doesn’t exist. Come on. Wake up. CLEAR! Twisting. Flat line.

Are you paralyzed? From your fear? What a joke. Do you seriously think that you are the only one dealing with that? What do you even fear? Just forget this. Forget this all and move.

CLEAR! There’s a day happening. There is joy to be had and love to be captured. CLEAR! There’s nothing to fear or regret. You’ll regret this moment more than anything else that may come. CLEAR! …

Welcome back.

Further

Before I go any further, I fell in love with you. If you are reading this, I hope you are, I do love you. I cringe at the thought of you being with someone else. My stomach turns, my head pounds, I cannot focus on anything. Be with me. Talk to me. Let’s go places. Hold my hand. Kiss me on the cheek. Dance with me under the stars. Sing with me. Play music with me. I regret with my whole body what is happening. I love you; I’m so in love with you.

Alright, now that it has been said, I can go further.

Seriously.

You’ve got to focus. You’ve got to pull your head out of the freaking clouds. “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” You are so right Mr. Gandhi. So I want to change something. Why then, why the hell do I wait?

Enough. Enough of this. You decide your life. Your emotions. Your choices. Your actions. I choose to no longer feel like this. I decide to no longer think like this. I wish I could just pull my head off of my shoulders. Separate my mind from my heart. They mix themselves together within me. I can no longer distinguish a rationale thought from an emotional mess.

You see these fears? Do you see them? You are lurking in them. Wading waist-deep within them and letting yourself sink deeper. This is not a life you want to live. No. Forget those fears, doubts, hates, weaknesses, hurts. There is nothing you can change. Just be what you ought to be. Expect to be loved and hated for that. Embrace those that love you, in your purest form, they are the ones that should matter most in your life. Start wading out of that pool. Get out and move. Get back to shore. Shore…a foundation underneath you. Standing on something that is real and worthwhile. A place to stand, fearless, unapologetic. That’s the way it should be.

You see these dreams? Do you see them? The actions you are taking now are killing them. The things you are focusing on now are far, so very far, from them. Forget this. Forget it all. And please, get back to what’s important. Get back to something a tad more significant. Get back to what you know is real.

Get back to being the change you want to see in the world.

Inspiration

My inspiration?
A thunderstorm bringing relief from the heat.
A smile on a long time downcast face.
A quote from a person much wiser than myself.
A song to dance to.
A friend to hold your hand.
A place to call home.
A mind being opened because of knowledge.
A dream becoming reality.
A heart being warmed because it is loved.
A laugh bursting with joy.
A beautiful day with clouds in a blue sky.
You. You are my inspiration.

Numbered

There is a number that hangs over my head. It weighs me down and keeps me from floating. I obsess about this number. This number means many things and everything to me. Heavy, heavy, heavy. I cannot carry this number anymore.

I started this number. I was the one that decided to give it power over me. I compare this number with other’s numbers, gage my worth based on it. I’m afraid that my number is not looking too good.

I hide this number like a scar. Ashamed because I know what it means. I hate this number. Loathe it with all my heart and soul. I can’t seem to get away from it. It lurks over me, a shadow ever present in my life, distorting my view. I’m afraid of it.

My worst fear: is it my identity?

Talk is Cheap

Please listen to this while reading (I think you may enjoy :) )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwwSfP3pCps

Actions are always louder than any word you could scream in my ear. If words are streams then actions are oceans.

You…do not know the power your actions have on me. You have no idea, no clue. You don’t care about me, you never did.

It is a glance, a smile, a nod, a hug, a thought. I feel like I could die for you.

It is a sneer, a scowl, a blatant hurt, a forgotten response. I feel like you are killing me.

You may say that I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one. I hope one day you may be able to imagine this world full of peace. I hope one day you may be able to imagine doing something to help this world. I hope one day you may be able to imagine being loved beyond anything you have ever known. I hope for you. Now… it’s my turn to go. I have to go now. Goodbye.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” –Lao Tzu

Movement

We are moving. Here we go. We are moving. Don’t look back. Moving forward or back, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are moving and here we go.

Did you know that you can text God? I tried to today and the message sent. I asked him to be with me as I move. Funny, he never responded. How very unlike God…

Did you know that they had to replace the soil under the Leaning Tower of Pisa? Mhm, crazy I know. They started the project in 1990 and finished it in 2001. I’ve never been able to stick with anything for more than a couple years, tops. What can make a person more persistent than another? I’ve always wanted to take a picture next to the Leaning Tower and look like I was holding it up.

Did you know that I wake up every night at 2:22 am exactly? I also seem to glance at the clock at 2:22 pm everyday. Every time. It’s starting to weird me out. Oh and from time to time, more frequently now, I look at the clock at 8:48. It reminds me of 1848. I wish I could have lived during that time.

Did you know it’s the end of the world?

I see a long path ahead of me. My knees falter and I collapse under the weight of knowing that I have to travel to get there. I don’t know what will be on this path. I could try to predict and have expectations, but I know for a fact that they will be broken. If there is anything that I finally learned is to shut my mouth and not get my hopes up. On my knees, I see the most glorious clouds.

We are moving. Somewhere. Somehow our feet are able to put themselves in front of each other and go. We are moving. Did you leave anything behind? Wait! I think I did…

Redemption and Unity

So much pain we
Don’t know how to be but angry
Feel infected like we’ve got gangrene
Please don’t let anybody try to change me
Me
Just me
In the middle of a sea full of faces
Full of faces
Some laugh some salivate
What’s in your alleyway
Recycling bins or bullet cases
Its not equal
It’s not fair
We're different people
But were not scared
We ain’t never scared
To pave a new path
Make a new street
Build a new bridge
Say can you see by the dawns early light
Free slaves running
Songs words weren’t right
Now a new days coming
The few stay stunning while the many are handsome
Your soul is alive but they want it for ransom
The base drumming is the anthem
We step to the heartbeats of our granddaughters and grandsons

And Rise together we

Lost hope and found need
Grounded by our surroundings
Did the walls scream universities
Or you and I verse the tees
React automatic and we burst when squeezed
And make 9-11 each emergency
Urgency amber to red like the turning leaves
Oh please let the hurting cease
Don't let apathy police the populace
We will march across
Those stereotypes that were marked for us
The answers obvious
We switch the consonants
Change the sword to words and lift continents

If you believe in redemption
I'm calling to you from another dimension

Rise by the Flobots

Conceptual

Measuring my life on the length of a computer screen.
How many friends? About 300. Are they friends? I don’t know… (strike one)
Why do you have friends? I don’t know…(strike two)
What things have you done recently? The usual. New school, new job, new house, new life.
Is that enough? I chuckle. When will it ever be enough? (strike three)
What is important to you? I couldn’t tell you right now if I tried.
Who is important to you? Humanity.
How have you failed? Cross my legs, fold my hands, shift uncomfortably in my chair. “Everywhere.” (you’re out)

Hot Air

Really rough week. Not that I think anyone will see this or really care about what I have to say on this stupid blog. All this seems to be amounting to is a public place that I can blow my own hot air, take myself too seriously, and ask stupid “deep” questions. I’m sorry this blog sucks some serious anus.

But that’s not going to stop me from complaining about my life right now :)

This week I had the task of going through my past and deciding what I should keep or sell. Now I know I’m a pack-rat, there is no denying the fact, but when I have to go through all my childhood I get a little lost. It was easy at first, stuff I had already sorted out when I went to college. But now, I’m digging deeper and finding the things that used to hold real importance to me. It’s moved to a just plain painful process now. Everything feels distant and worthless. I’m discouraged; what if the things that are important to me right now just end up like the things of my childhood? Is it really worth hanging onto anything anymore? Especially when ten years from now those things will be crammed into a closest and mean nothing anymore?

People have filtered in and out of me like water. Touching me, teaching me, growing with me, being important to me. And now, we have all moved on. I’m living my own life and they are too. No second thoughts, no remembrances, no longings; just continued living. I miss them. I miss them all so very much. But the funny thing is that I do not want them to see me, ever, never again.

This is my childhood, 19 years of a previous life, all contained in a closest. And now I need to pick through it, throw the past away, and grow up.

Seeing all this laid out before me I can finally gage how much I have changed. It has been drastic. I wonder if I have become a weaker person, a shallower person, a more ignorant person, a more educated person. I wonder if I have become a better person at all.

I just need someone to tell me that I’m doing something right. Anything, anything at all.

I guess it just boils down to how hurt and afraid I am right now. Hurt because I expected someone to be there for me and now I see I recklessly threw my heart into the wind. Hurt because I’m putting up walls and I don’t want walls (walls only create distance). Afraid because growing up means so much more than I thought it did. Afraid because I don’t know what the hell I am doing anymore.

Oh Sarah, what do you need? I mean honestly, what did you expected?

See that’s the problem with being a dreamer, they never tell you about how badly it hurts when you wake up to reality.

Merry go Round?

Here we go round the Merry go round
Merry go round
Merry go round

Up and down, spinning round and round
On the Merry go round
On the Merry go round

Realizing its only circles that we dance
Endless Merry go round
Endless Merry go round

Time to time, we wave at each other
On this Merry go round
On this Merry go round

Meltdown

Remember when you were younger and the biggest dilemma you ever had to face was not having a cookie after dinner? Or you couldn’t go out to play because you didn’t put away your toys when you were told?

Now everything is magnified. The problems are real. The problems are life. The problems are so much larger. There are broken hearts, regrets, failures, damages. They seem to resonant so much louder now. Touch a deeper level in my life and heart.

I’ve got so freaking much to learn. I’ve a lot to learn about acceptance; about myself (first off) and those around me. I think that’s why hardships seem to hurt deeper now, I can see where I need to grow, what I need to let go, and what I should have done. When I was eight I didn’t give a crap for what I was doing, it’s effect, and how I should grow from it. I was simply living.

And the cherry on the cake of life is fear. Think about. When you were young you were fearless. Nothing, no one, could touch you or hurt you. And maybe I’m just an extra-sensitive, self-conscious individual, but I seem to fear a lot. I fear the future, the unknown, no acceptance, love, hate, life, the world, people, God, ignorance (which I have so much of nowadays). Everything. Everything I do or touch seems to be tainted with fear. Is it possible for me to ever live without fear?

Is life just fear?

Past

Been digging through my past lately.
It’s funny what changes over time. The things that were once important are just things to me now. They hold no power, they hold no significance. And yet, 5 years ago, they were the world to me. I saw them as clear representations of my spirit, of my soul. Now they lay in the trash pile.

How did I make it? How did I survive all those years being alone? I was totally fine with myself and who I was. I did not compare, I did not judge, I did not yearn, I did not ache. What is so different, then to now? Was it school? Was I lying to myself the whole time? Why do I hurt so badly for something, someone, someplace now?

Five years ago, I was unaware of what I would become. Five years ago, I was ignorant to the changes to come. Five years ago, I was a completely different person.

100 Life Goals

I’ve decided to re-do my one hundred goals list because one, I lost the first one I did before and two, a lot of things have changed in the last year.

So here goes…

1. Appreciate every person I meet.
2. Learn to forgive.
3. Buy ice cream from Mr. Ice Cream cart creeper.
4. See the Eiffel Tower.
5. Meet an aboriginal individual in some far home place.
6. Join the Peace Corps.
7. Dance with the Dancing Sign Guy (his name is Leonard btw)
8. Have a picnic with the one I love
9. See Anberlin in concert and get a picture with them.
10. Ride my bike to school.
11. Go one whole year without eating meat, completely (cheaters go to hell).
12. Cut someone’s hair
13. Learn how to play the Cello Suite
14. Learn to speak French.
15. Write my own song on the piano.
16. See a Broadway play.
17. Don’t give up on my dreams
18. Get something published.
19. Hangout in a pub in Ireland.
20. Punch someone in the face.
21. Try a 77… (you know what I mean right? ;) )
22. Hulu dance in Hawaii
23. Laugh once a day, everyday, at least
24. Ask someone on a date.
25. Hike to the top of Pike’s Peak
26. Learn how to snowboard and ski
27. Go on a white water rafting trip
28. Ski the Swiss Alps
29. Walk the Great Wall of China
30. Try a chocolate covered cricket
31. Go skydiving (with Arri preferably)
32. Talk to a complete stranger in a grocery store
33. Go a whole day without talking
34. Volunteer at a cancer clinic
35. See State Radio in concert
36. Go zip-lining in a jungle
37. Call an old friend (haven’t talked to them in awhile of course) and tell them I love them.
38. Keep a journal record of my thoughts and life.
39. Play the flute…ya doosh
40. Take a ballet class
41. See the Aztec Pyramids
42. Go to a traditional Indian Wedding
43. Seek Jesus constantly
44. See the good in people…always, no matter the person
45. Kiss in the rain
46. Watch the clouds for hours on top of a green hill
47. Watch a live hockey game
48. Go to a futbol game, in Europe (duh)
49. Laugh until I pee my pants
50. Pay my parents back with something they have always wanted
51. Have a good conversation with Uncle Jimmy
52. Keep the family traditions going
53. Visit every major amusement park in American
54. Have pancakes and syrup in Canada
55. Take an Alaskan cruise
56. Learn to ballroom dance
57. Read every book I own (again)
58. Learn the names of actors and be awesome like Arri
59. Plant a tree
60. Milk a cow
61. Go to a protest as an actual protestor
62. Star gaze on the hood of a car
63. Go on a deep woods camping trip
64. Graduate from college with an open mind
65. Learn that learning never stops
66. Blow glass…ornament?
67. Make my own candle
68. Take a pottery class
69. See Moscow
70. Read every classic book
71. See Anne Frank’s house
72. Go to Rangeview’s graduation 20 years or more from now
73. Go a week without eating any food (good luck)
74. Wear a mini skirt (just once) and feel good about it
75. Buy a pair of red stilettos
76. Have gelato in Venice
77. Meet an author of a great bestselling book
78. Trust someone enough to fall in love
79. Thank God everyday for something
80. Cry in a movie theater at a really sad movie
81. Make out with Mr. Awesome on Look Out Mountain at night
82. Go Winter camping
83. Catch a fish
84. Make someone’s day brighter
85. Watch Arri’s and Maggie’s kids
86. Grow old with someone
87. Have a star named after me
88. Help the world, somehow
89. Have faith
90. Find a career that I can be completely happy with
91. Eat a peach in Georgia
92. Learn to surf
93. See all the oceans and seas of the world
94. Live out of the U.S. for an extended amount of time (2 years or more)
95. Sing karaoke at an open-mic night
96. Play beer pong
97. Win a prestigious award.
98. Ride in a cop car
99. Take a cross country road trip
100. Most importantly: Love, always, always love.

Proven

Must I prove myself to you? Must I spell every perfectly? Must I say all the right things? Must I be the perfect size? Must I change myself for you?

Can I not be the person I am before you? Can I not be who I am now?

No…

I must spell everything perfectly or I am not intelligent, in your eyes. I must say everything right or I am not clever, in your eyes. I must be the perfect size or I am not beautiful, in your eyes. I must change my heart completely or I do not belong, in your eyes.

It’s a cold life I live. It’s a lonely life I live. Waiting, always, waiting. Waiting to be everything you ever wanted to see. Waiting to be your idea of perfection.

I’m afraid it will never come.

Words

“Our reality is different from his vision.”

Words. Powerful? Weak? Moving? Insignificant?

Words. Make me feel lonely when they are gone.

Words. Make me feel deadly when they cut a friend down.

Words. Fill the silence, that’s it.

Words. Can they do anything? Will they do anything?

Words. Change a person’s heart.

Words. Create a beautiful story, mark a history, sing a song, bring a nation together.

Words. Simple ways to communicate, simple ways to connect.

Words. What can make me feel whole again? What can make me smile again?

Words. When I feel lonely I look to you.

Strength

“Boundaries were meant to be crossed.” –Kari Cassidy

Today, I will be crossing boundaries. I will let selfishness fade and just love (no strings or expectations attached). I will forgive. I will triumph.

I will be there. I will grow. I will appreciate. I will hope.

I will observe. I will smile. I will sing.

I will find the strength I have within myself. This is the most important thing I must do. I must find this strength. I will let this bitterness and hurt die in my heart.

I will breathe fresh air. For I am loved, for I am beautiful, for I am significant.

I will forgive. I will forgive. I will forgive. I will forgive.

Power

You know the people I envy? The people that can make people like me feel this depressed and lonely. They are the ones with power. They are the ones that break hearts.

Maybe we are all like that to someone. Maybe we all hold that power over someone else’s heart. Doubt that.

I hate you, person with the power over my heart; this was supposed to be a heart untouched. I opened it up to you (trusted you), you used what you needed, and then burned the rest. Congratulations, you left scars.

“Look for what is good and you will find it.” –Anne Perry

Alright, person, if you don’t want me in your life, I won’t be. I pray that I can begin to search for the good things that are in this life. I pray that what has happened between us won’t leave my heart bitter. And I pray I can let all this go. I pray that I can forgive.

I’m looking for the goodness of my life. I would have loved to have you involved with that goodness but you want nothing to do with me. It’s ok. I am being to understand why. I love you and I always will. I will leave you alone out of love because that’s what you want.

Hope

I’m hoping one day that this will all make sense.
I’m hoping one day to move mountains.
I’m hoping one day to have a love like I’ve never had before.
I’m hoping one day that you will see how much you meant to me.
I’m hoping one day that I will be worth it to you.
I’m hoping one day to wake up from some of the nightmares I have made for myself.
I’m hoping one day to feel like I understand why things happen.
I’m hoping one day to know that I am a part of something bigger.
I’m hoping one day to feel normal.

I hope.

For my Dearest Friend,

For whatever reason I can’t seem to make a comment on your blog, so hopefully you can see this at some point in time.

I just want to let you that there are people in this world that want to see you fail. There are people that want to see you beat yourself up and settle for a life you see as mediocre. Well I am writing this to tell you that within you I see more beauty and inspiration than I have ever seen in another heart. Your heart takes my breath away. And no matter what the world says, you are going to move mountains. You cannot be in a stuck place because I see you in constant motion. You create beauty and love where ever you go. In every place I witness you touching hearts. It is glorious and encourages me more than you could ever imagine.

But, I know what it feels like to feel stuck. In a place where any move you do make is one that may hurt you in the end. A certain lack of clarity clouds your thoughts and makes you feel helpless. It is a place where you feel like you are letting certain pieces of yourself slip. You feel hopeless to try to salvage those pieces because there seems no point in the bigger picture of things. But those places where we feel like we letting ourselves slip are just moments in time. Don’t worry about sleeping in too late or eating too much chocolate or playing Prince of Persia all day. These moments are capturing life. They are the moments that let should allow yourself; guilt free…just enjoy them while they’re around.

And I know, I am just as bad as you (if not worse) about beating myself up for the small things. So this writing is just as much for me as it is for you. I think what we need to let go in our mindset is this Americanized thinking that we need to keep moving. In hindsight, the time that I allow myself to stop moving and give into those guilty pleasures, is the time that I was happiest. Don’t weigh yourself down with guilt over such small things. I don’t think sleeping in late will ever take away from the beautiful and unique heart I see within you.

So my sissy, it’s ok. It’s ok to not be perfect in some small area. It’s ok to do some things that are slightly negative in the eyes of society. It’s ok. Just be and don’t be sad. Because in a moment life will change and that stuck place you feel you are in will be gone. Embrace every instant you live now because it’s a part of living.

I love you and I hope this made any sort of sense. I wrote it late, which always makes for coherent and useful writing (not). And I realize you were asking deeper questions in your blog, so I hope this perspective can give you any answers or hope. Just thoughts that I wanted to express to you and learn from myself.

Too Complicated for My Own Good

Wrong
Kiss
First
Connected
Learned
Ignore
Mistake
Sake
Reasoning
Laugh
Love
Words
Meaning
Fat
Ugly
Past
Selfish
Understand
Please
Save
Darkness
No

All that remains are the words floating in the air.

Wise Words

I woke up in such a better mood today.

Today…is a great day.

I have this new journal that I bought and it is full of the most beautiful quotes. Here’s one that really blessed my heart:
“A life is not important, except in the impact it has on other lives.” –Jackie Robinson

I just think that quote/idea is absolutely breathtaking. A lot that has been on my mind lately is this idea of significance. I have been feeling lost and unworthy of any recognition. It’s a daunting world. Six billion people, all with their own lives, their own dreams, their own stories, their own faults. How am I, little me, ever going to make an impact in this gigantic world? It’s not about impact though. It’s not about the quantity of people that know my name, or the number of people that can say good things about me. It’s about how I touch other’s lives. It’s about how I uplift and encourage their dreams.

My dream is to help the world, to make the world a more beautiful, inspiring, and better place. My dream is already in action. And it may not be in the form that I have pictured in my head, but I am already touching people’s lives. And those that I touch will appreciate it, if not now but later. All I need to do is be myself, love deeply, and fear nothing. I fear so many unknowns, things that I cannot control or know anything about. I need to just let those go and live. I need to just keep putting my heart out there, wrapped in love and just GO…

Love is such a strong and beautiful thing. Love is so much bigger than myself.

Let me let go of my fears. I will not be alone. I will be loved. I will be happy. I will make others happy.

So touch my heart… and let’s go!

Love Deeply

I feel like crap today. I’m so sorry for those of you who are by chance are reading this; I’m not usually this way. I swear that I do enjoy life and I don’t usually see it this negatively. This has just been one of those days. Or maybe I should say it’s been those couple of days. I hate when I get like this. I hate when I am so worn out that I can barely get out of bed and the only time I do get up is to stuff my face with chocolate. I hate when I hate myself.

I’ve just been feeling rather unworthy lately. Unworthy to take time out for myself. Unworthy to tell someone I need to talk about myself because I don’t want to seem selfish. Unworthy to allow myself to give into those guilty pleasures I so adore. Unworthy to weed out those that honestly care for me and those that do not in my life. So very unworthy of asking for love.

Love deeply…very well put. If there is one thing I genuinely need to learn, and soon, is to love myself. And I know that sounds super conceded but I have my reasons for trying to love myself. Because I am discovering that I cannot love those around me as deeply and significantly as I want if I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to shake this hate I have for myself. I need to accept what I cannot change about myself and just grow into a better person. I need to grow.

Lonely?

It hit me today as I was trying to piece together all my belongings into a room. It hit me as I wandered through the halls of the partially filled home. It hit me as I looked in the empty pantry trying to figure out what I could make with some spaghetti and biscotti. IT…it hit me.

It…that I am alone.
It…that I am on my own.
It…that I alone make my choices now.
It…that I alone lead my life.

It’s a scary thought to me, being alone. What if I make the wrong decision and no one is there to help me? What if I mess up my life that there is no fixing it? What if I decide that I don’t like my life anymore? I have been feeling rather lonely lately. And maybe this is because I no longer have an association with the place that I grew up. Or maybe it’s because my heart aches for love to be reciprocated. Or maybe it’s simply because it is cloudy outside today. Whatever the case, I’m feeling very small.

And it’s at times like these where I wonder what I would do without the people I do have in my life. What would I lose if I lost them? And I wonder about the people I have failed to meet. Would my life be different if I had been brave enough to say hello to that person passing by? Would I be a different person by someone else’s influence?

I appreciate those I know so much more than they can imagine. I don’t know a lot of people and I am close to an even smaller amount of those people, but they have all changed my life for the better. Every day someone gives me a reason to smile and I feel less alone. Because of their joy I don’t feel like this is a huge world anymore.

So this is my thanks to those who have allowed me to be in their lives and to witness the beauty of their hearts. For all my good friends, your heart is beautiful and it is the sole reason to why I am not truly alone.