Not enough.

I have a confession: I don’t feel like enough. I don’t know whether to try harder or just accept this fate. I feel like I am fading. Becoming incorporated. The funny thing is that I’ve always wanted to be incorporated but this time it’s weird. I am not myself this time. No one sees the true me and what is being incorporated is fake. People can see it, they know, I know. It’s wrong and I am panicking.

There is not a word to describe it except loneliness. I want to be enough, but I am not. What is around me is not enough either. I devour, consume thoughtlessly. I lose what is most important to me and half the time I don’t even realize it. I want more. More, always, more. This is not enough and is thinking troubles me the most. If I have friends, I want more friends and I do not appreciate the friends I have. If a friend talks to someone I know and not me, I suddenly want them to always talk to me. I don’t want to ever be alone or feel “forgotten”. That is a reality that I could never quite handle.

It’s a rat race though. Pointless and painful. My question is; how can I ever be content? Do I need to lose everything in order to be at peace? Will it come to that point?

That was my confession.

P.S. Amazing quote= “Love life and life will love you. Love people and they will love you.” –Arthur Rubinstein. This is good for my heart.

Art and Motorcycles

There are many reasons I could list for why I choose to smile. One day at a time. I try to keep my eyes on a bigger picture; try not getting caught up on the details. I wake up and I decide where this day will lead, what things I will accomplish.

I am on the brink of something extraordinary, I can feel it. It will make me happy. The anticipation tingles in my stomach and I can’t wait much longer. I grow restless. I get upset and feel trapped here, looking out the window, waiting for my life to begin. But it’s one step at a time. One moment to the next. I can’t wait. I cannot wait.

So for now, I choose this. My eyes are keen to the door opening, but they’re no longer stuck staring. I choose art and motorcycles, laughing until I burst, learning until I drop, loving until I die. It’s alright, for now. It’s alright, I’ll be alright, we’ll be alright.