Never Again

I don’t think I can do it…never again. I just can’t take being hurt again. Why does it have to be such a risk? Everyone else seems to have it figured out except for me. Why does it always seem to end in silence?

I don’t want to feel like a criminal. I, unknowingly, was shoved into this system. I don’t want to be blamed for something I didn’t create. I wish I could fix it, I really do. But I am only one person. No power, no voice, nothing. This is a reality I’ve come to terms with and I try my hardest to make the best of it.

I don’t want to live a lie. It destroys me from the inside out. Breaks me into fragments. I don’t want to be told there is a solution when we all know we are just fumbling in the dark. We don’t know left from right, up from down.

I just don’t.

New Heart

It's not a competition and if it is, I don't have to win.
Because we win in the long run when we realize that we loved and laughed harder than any competitor.
It's not a judgment and if it is, I don't have to join in.
Because we have no place to make any judgment on other people.
It's not a prison and if it is, I don't have to be trapped.
Because we are free when we choose to be free, there can be freedom in obedience.

Ouch.

Why is this hurting so much? I thought you were serious, but you weren’t. Maybe it’s because I was very much serious and now I just feel like a fool.

Take my focus to other places. I don’t want to be here anymore.

You were my love. You still are my love. I miss you and I don’t understand. When something good happens I can’t help but think of how much better it would’ve been if you were still here.

It’s time to move on, I know it, I feel it. Patience. I need closure. Why can’t I just have closure?

You said you would never do this to me again. I want to know what happened this time to change your heart. What did I do wrong this time? Will I ever hear from you again?

I tired of feeling like this, I am thirsty. Give me a drink, please. Relief, something, anything. I am dying out here. I don’t know if I am going to be able to make it to the promise land.