Nothing more

There is nothing that I want more than to be with you. You take my heart and we soar to otherworldly places. Higher and higher we fly. When we are together I fear nothing. When we are together I hate no one. When we are together I am a better person.

There is nothing that I want more than to grow old with you. I see your dreams on the cusp of reality. Further and further we go. When we are together there is nothing that can stop us. When we are together there is no one to tell us no. When we are together we make the world a better place.

There is nothing that I want more than to love you. I want nothing more than to be with you. To see your face in the morning and be held in your arms at night is a dream come true. I would want nothing more than that.

Note to self

Don’t ever fall in love.

Ever.

It’s a waste of time.

Because it will never happen.

I'm an emotional girl- and I hate it

I can be so cliché and it makes me what to barf all over the place. A girl being emotional, what a surprise right? But how can I help it? I simply feel what I feel.

Want to know my current feeling? If you don’t (and I wouldn’t either…I get it), stop reading now because there’s about to be a whole lot of feelings going on:
I’m super confused about what to do with my life
I’m feeling a tad (honestly, more than a tad) lonely
I don’t feel like my life amounts to much of anything
I fear the changes that are going to happen
I’m angry that nothing every seems to work out
I’m tired of putting my hope into hopeless people or causes- like a freaking idiot
I fear the future
I constantly believe I’m in an identity crisis and I’m over it
I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable
I feel like the size of a grain of sand
I’m led to believe that everyone will leave me, no matter the person
I’m fighting and losing
I feel like my heart is breaking and I don’t know why sometimes
I’m a fricking idiot, all the time
I don’t want to be here anymore
I’m hurt and sensitive. Everything is like a stab wound
I know this is all hot air, it’s shallow and makes me a shallow person


I just want to feel loved.
I just want to feel like I am doing right.
I just want to be able to rise above this and live with a peaceful and loving heart.

Alright, how do I get to that point? How do I find peace?

The path before us

I feel change in my bones. Temporary. Temporary has been ringing in my head for the longest time now. Things are going to change and I don’t know whether to say I am excited or afraid. Why do things change and why don’t they change at the same exact time?

There are days when I feel like I have strength. There are days when I feel like I’m lost at sea.
I hate having decisions before me. I want to be a machine. Plug me in, give me instructions, and watch me go. I’m good at that kind of stuff. But when I’m told that I have to trust something indefinite, I begin to lose my mind.

Most days I feel like life is actually quite distant from me. I have a goal. Something to sweat and toil for now but that will come tomorrow. But from time to time, reality presses itself against me. I don’t have that much time. I have to live life now because there is nothing else.

This is wrong, all wrong. I need some sort of redemption. Because I’ve been doing this all wrong and I’m weary from guilt. Please, don’t leave me in hanging in the balance. Give me breath. Bring air into this shattered body. I think that would be the most glorious feeling. Give me direction and peace. Calm this soul.

Fade

This idea of trust (faith) feels like a fathomless pit. I will never understand it, I will never have it, I will never possess it. I just fall into it and I am still twirling, whirling through the air hoping to land soon. I trust you? I say yes but in my heart I mean no.

It seems to me that we’ve all been hurt in this life. Had something burned, we opened up too much of our hearts to this concept of trust. What I truly don’t understand is how we could ever trust someone completely. That would actually mean opening up fully. When I think about it, I have never done that with anyone. I have never been myself. I have never have…

PAUSE

I simply have never felt more alone than right now. I need someone and that is all I can say. I need someone.