Hope

I’m hoping one day that this will all make sense.
I’m hoping one day to move mountains.
I’m hoping one day to have a love like I’ve never had before.
I’m hoping one day that you will see how much you meant to me.
I’m hoping one day that I will be worth it to you.
I’m hoping one day to wake up from some of the nightmares I have made for myself.
I’m hoping one day to feel like I understand why things happen.
I’m hoping one day to know that I am a part of something bigger.
I’m hoping one day to feel normal.

I hope.

For my Dearest Friend,

For whatever reason I can’t seem to make a comment on your blog, so hopefully you can see this at some point in time.

I just want to let you that there are people in this world that want to see you fail. There are people that want to see you beat yourself up and settle for a life you see as mediocre. Well I am writing this to tell you that within you I see more beauty and inspiration than I have ever seen in another heart. Your heart takes my breath away. And no matter what the world says, you are going to move mountains. You cannot be in a stuck place because I see you in constant motion. You create beauty and love where ever you go. In every place I witness you touching hearts. It is glorious and encourages me more than you could ever imagine.

But, I know what it feels like to feel stuck. In a place where any move you do make is one that may hurt you in the end. A certain lack of clarity clouds your thoughts and makes you feel helpless. It is a place where you feel like you are letting certain pieces of yourself slip. You feel hopeless to try to salvage those pieces because there seems no point in the bigger picture of things. But those places where we feel like we letting ourselves slip are just moments in time. Don’t worry about sleeping in too late or eating too much chocolate or playing Prince of Persia all day. These moments are capturing life. They are the moments that let should allow yourself; guilt free…just enjoy them while they’re around.

And I know, I am just as bad as you (if not worse) about beating myself up for the small things. So this writing is just as much for me as it is for you. I think what we need to let go in our mindset is this Americanized thinking that we need to keep moving. In hindsight, the time that I allow myself to stop moving and give into those guilty pleasures, is the time that I was happiest. Don’t weigh yourself down with guilt over such small things. I don’t think sleeping in late will ever take away from the beautiful and unique heart I see within you.

So my sissy, it’s ok. It’s ok to not be perfect in some small area. It’s ok to do some things that are slightly negative in the eyes of society. It’s ok. Just be and don’t be sad. Because in a moment life will change and that stuck place you feel you are in will be gone. Embrace every instant you live now because it’s a part of living.

I love you and I hope this made any sort of sense. I wrote it late, which always makes for coherent and useful writing (not). And I realize you were asking deeper questions in your blog, so I hope this perspective can give you any answers or hope. Just thoughts that I wanted to express to you and learn from myself.

Too Complicated for My Own Good

Wrong
Kiss
First
Connected
Learned
Ignore
Mistake
Sake
Reasoning
Laugh
Love
Words
Meaning
Fat
Ugly
Past
Selfish
Understand
Please
Save
Darkness
No

All that remains are the words floating in the air.

Wise Words

I woke up in such a better mood today.

Today…is a great day.

I have this new journal that I bought and it is full of the most beautiful quotes. Here’s one that really blessed my heart:
“A life is not important, except in the impact it has on other lives.” –Jackie Robinson

I just think that quote/idea is absolutely breathtaking. A lot that has been on my mind lately is this idea of significance. I have been feeling lost and unworthy of any recognition. It’s a daunting world. Six billion people, all with their own lives, their own dreams, their own stories, their own faults. How am I, little me, ever going to make an impact in this gigantic world? It’s not about impact though. It’s not about the quantity of people that know my name, or the number of people that can say good things about me. It’s about how I touch other’s lives. It’s about how I uplift and encourage their dreams.

My dream is to help the world, to make the world a more beautiful, inspiring, and better place. My dream is already in action. And it may not be in the form that I have pictured in my head, but I am already touching people’s lives. And those that I touch will appreciate it, if not now but later. All I need to do is be myself, love deeply, and fear nothing. I fear so many unknowns, things that I cannot control or know anything about. I need to just let those go and live. I need to just keep putting my heart out there, wrapped in love and just GO…

Love is such a strong and beautiful thing. Love is so much bigger than myself.

Let me let go of my fears. I will not be alone. I will be loved. I will be happy. I will make others happy.

So touch my heart… and let’s go!

Love Deeply

I feel like crap today. I’m so sorry for those of you who are by chance are reading this; I’m not usually this way. I swear that I do enjoy life and I don’t usually see it this negatively. This has just been one of those days. Or maybe I should say it’s been those couple of days. I hate when I get like this. I hate when I am so worn out that I can barely get out of bed and the only time I do get up is to stuff my face with chocolate. I hate when I hate myself.

I’ve just been feeling rather unworthy lately. Unworthy to take time out for myself. Unworthy to tell someone I need to talk about myself because I don’t want to seem selfish. Unworthy to allow myself to give into those guilty pleasures I so adore. Unworthy to weed out those that honestly care for me and those that do not in my life. So very unworthy of asking for love.

Love deeply…very well put. If there is one thing I genuinely need to learn, and soon, is to love myself. And I know that sounds super conceded but I have my reasons for trying to love myself. Because I am discovering that I cannot love those around me as deeply and significantly as I want if I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to shake this hate I have for myself. I need to accept what I cannot change about myself and just grow into a better person. I need to grow.

Lonely?

It hit me today as I was trying to piece together all my belongings into a room. It hit me as I wandered through the halls of the partially filled home. It hit me as I looked in the empty pantry trying to figure out what I could make with some spaghetti and biscotti. IT…it hit me.

It…that I am alone.
It…that I am on my own.
It…that I alone make my choices now.
It…that I alone lead my life.

It’s a scary thought to me, being alone. What if I make the wrong decision and no one is there to help me? What if I mess up my life that there is no fixing it? What if I decide that I don’t like my life anymore? I have been feeling rather lonely lately. And maybe this is because I no longer have an association with the place that I grew up. Or maybe it’s because my heart aches for love to be reciprocated. Or maybe it’s simply because it is cloudy outside today. Whatever the case, I’m feeling very small.

And it’s at times like these where I wonder what I would do without the people I do have in my life. What would I lose if I lost them? And I wonder about the people I have failed to meet. Would my life be different if I had been brave enough to say hello to that person passing by? Would I be a different person by someone else’s influence?

I appreciate those I know so much more than they can imagine. I don’t know a lot of people and I am close to an even smaller amount of those people, but they have all changed my life for the better. Every day someone gives me a reason to smile and I feel less alone. Because of their joy I don’t feel like this is a huge world anymore.

So this is my thanks to those who have allowed me to be in their lives and to witness the beauty of their hearts. For all my good friends, your heart is beautiful and it is the sole reason to why I am not truly alone.