The path before us

I feel change in my bones. Temporary. Temporary has been ringing in my head for the longest time now. Things are going to change and I don’t know whether to say I am excited or afraid. Why do things change and why don’t they change at the same exact time?

There are days when I feel like I have strength. There are days when I feel like I’m lost at sea.
I hate having decisions before me. I want to be a machine. Plug me in, give me instructions, and watch me go. I’m good at that kind of stuff. But when I’m told that I have to trust something indefinite, I begin to lose my mind.

Most days I feel like life is actually quite distant from me. I have a goal. Something to sweat and toil for now but that will come tomorrow. But from time to time, reality presses itself against me. I don’t have that much time. I have to live life now because there is nothing else.

This is wrong, all wrong. I need some sort of redemption. Because I’ve been doing this all wrong and I’m weary from guilt. Please, don’t leave me in hanging in the balance. Give me breath. Bring air into this shattered body. I think that would be the most glorious feeling. Give me direction and peace. Calm this soul.