Meltdown

Remember when you were younger and the biggest dilemma you ever had to face was not having a cookie after dinner? Or you couldn’t go out to play because you didn’t put away your toys when you were told?

Now everything is magnified. The problems are real. The problems are life. The problems are so much larger. There are broken hearts, regrets, failures, damages. They seem to resonant so much louder now. Touch a deeper level in my life and heart.

I’ve got so freaking much to learn. I’ve a lot to learn about acceptance; about myself (first off) and those around me. I think that’s why hardships seem to hurt deeper now, I can see where I need to grow, what I need to let go, and what I should have done. When I was eight I didn’t give a crap for what I was doing, it’s effect, and how I should grow from it. I was simply living.

And the cherry on the cake of life is fear. Think about. When you were young you were fearless. Nothing, no one, could touch you or hurt you. And maybe I’m just an extra-sensitive, self-conscious individual, but I seem to fear a lot. I fear the future, the unknown, no acceptance, love, hate, life, the world, people, God, ignorance (which I have so much of nowadays). Everything. Everything I do or touch seems to be tainted with fear. Is it possible for me to ever live without fear?

Is life just fear?