Hot Air

Really rough week. Not that I think anyone will see this or really care about what I have to say on this stupid blog. All this seems to be amounting to is a public place that I can blow my own hot air, take myself too seriously, and ask stupid “deep” questions. I’m sorry this blog sucks some serious anus.

But that’s not going to stop me from complaining about my life right now :)

This week I had the task of going through my past and deciding what I should keep or sell. Now I know I’m a pack-rat, there is no denying the fact, but when I have to go through all my childhood I get a little lost. It was easy at first, stuff I had already sorted out when I went to college. But now, I’m digging deeper and finding the things that used to hold real importance to me. It’s moved to a just plain painful process now. Everything feels distant and worthless. I’m discouraged; what if the things that are important to me right now just end up like the things of my childhood? Is it really worth hanging onto anything anymore? Especially when ten years from now those things will be crammed into a closest and mean nothing anymore?

People have filtered in and out of me like water. Touching me, teaching me, growing with me, being important to me. And now, we have all moved on. I’m living my own life and they are too. No second thoughts, no remembrances, no longings; just continued living. I miss them. I miss them all so very much. But the funny thing is that I do not want them to see me, ever, never again.

This is my childhood, 19 years of a previous life, all contained in a closest. And now I need to pick through it, throw the past away, and grow up.

Seeing all this laid out before me I can finally gage how much I have changed. It has been drastic. I wonder if I have become a weaker person, a shallower person, a more ignorant person, a more educated person. I wonder if I have become a better person at all.

I just need someone to tell me that I’m doing something right. Anything, anything at all.

I guess it just boils down to how hurt and afraid I am right now. Hurt because I expected someone to be there for me and now I see I recklessly threw my heart into the wind. Hurt because I’m putting up walls and I don’t want walls (walls only create distance). Afraid because growing up means so much more than I thought it did. Afraid because I don’t know what the hell I am doing anymore.

Oh Sarah, what do you need? I mean honestly, what did you expected?

See that’s the problem with being a dreamer, they never tell you about how badly it hurts when you wake up to reality.