Redemption and Unity

So much pain we
Don’t know how to be but angry
Feel infected like we’ve got gangrene
Please don’t let anybody try to change me
Me
Just me
In the middle of a sea full of faces
Full of faces
Some laugh some salivate
What’s in your alleyway
Recycling bins or bullet cases
Its not equal
It’s not fair
We're different people
But were not scared
We ain’t never scared
To pave a new path
Make a new street
Build a new bridge
Say can you see by the dawns early light
Free slaves running
Songs words weren’t right
Now a new days coming
The few stay stunning while the many are handsome
Your soul is alive but they want it for ransom
The base drumming is the anthem
We step to the heartbeats of our granddaughters and grandsons

And Rise together we

Lost hope and found need
Grounded by our surroundings
Did the walls scream universities
Or you and I verse the tees
React automatic and we burst when squeezed
And make 9-11 each emergency
Urgency amber to red like the turning leaves
Oh please let the hurting cease
Don't let apathy police the populace
We will march across
Those stereotypes that were marked for us
The answers obvious
We switch the consonants
Change the sword to words and lift continents

If you believe in redemption
I'm calling to you from another dimension

Rise by the Flobots

Conceptual

Measuring my life on the length of a computer screen.
How many friends? About 300. Are they friends? I don’t know… (strike one)
Why do you have friends? I don’t know…(strike two)
What things have you done recently? The usual. New school, new job, new house, new life.
Is that enough? I chuckle. When will it ever be enough? (strike three)
What is important to you? I couldn’t tell you right now if I tried.
Who is important to you? Humanity.
How have you failed? Cross my legs, fold my hands, shift uncomfortably in my chair. “Everywhere.” (you’re out)

Hot Air

Really rough week. Not that I think anyone will see this or really care about what I have to say on this stupid blog. All this seems to be amounting to is a public place that I can blow my own hot air, take myself too seriously, and ask stupid “deep” questions. I’m sorry this blog sucks some serious anus.

But that’s not going to stop me from complaining about my life right now :)

This week I had the task of going through my past and deciding what I should keep or sell. Now I know I’m a pack-rat, there is no denying the fact, but when I have to go through all my childhood I get a little lost. It was easy at first, stuff I had already sorted out when I went to college. But now, I’m digging deeper and finding the things that used to hold real importance to me. It’s moved to a just plain painful process now. Everything feels distant and worthless. I’m discouraged; what if the things that are important to me right now just end up like the things of my childhood? Is it really worth hanging onto anything anymore? Especially when ten years from now those things will be crammed into a closest and mean nothing anymore?

People have filtered in and out of me like water. Touching me, teaching me, growing with me, being important to me. And now, we have all moved on. I’m living my own life and they are too. No second thoughts, no remembrances, no longings; just continued living. I miss them. I miss them all so very much. But the funny thing is that I do not want them to see me, ever, never again.

This is my childhood, 19 years of a previous life, all contained in a closest. And now I need to pick through it, throw the past away, and grow up.

Seeing all this laid out before me I can finally gage how much I have changed. It has been drastic. I wonder if I have become a weaker person, a shallower person, a more ignorant person, a more educated person. I wonder if I have become a better person at all.

I just need someone to tell me that I’m doing something right. Anything, anything at all.

I guess it just boils down to how hurt and afraid I am right now. Hurt because I expected someone to be there for me and now I see I recklessly threw my heart into the wind. Hurt because I’m putting up walls and I don’t want walls (walls only create distance). Afraid because growing up means so much more than I thought it did. Afraid because I don’t know what the hell I am doing anymore.

Oh Sarah, what do you need? I mean honestly, what did you expected?

See that’s the problem with being a dreamer, they never tell you about how badly it hurts when you wake up to reality.

Merry go Round?

Here we go round the Merry go round
Merry go round
Merry go round

Up and down, spinning round and round
On the Merry go round
On the Merry go round

Realizing its only circles that we dance
Endless Merry go round
Endless Merry go round

Time to time, we wave at each other
On this Merry go round
On this Merry go round

Meltdown

Remember when you were younger and the biggest dilemma you ever had to face was not having a cookie after dinner? Or you couldn’t go out to play because you didn’t put away your toys when you were told?

Now everything is magnified. The problems are real. The problems are life. The problems are so much larger. There are broken hearts, regrets, failures, damages. They seem to resonant so much louder now. Touch a deeper level in my life and heart.

I’ve got so freaking much to learn. I’ve a lot to learn about acceptance; about myself (first off) and those around me. I think that’s why hardships seem to hurt deeper now, I can see where I need to grow, what I need to let go, and what I should have done. When I was eight I didn’t give a crap for what I was doing, it’s effect, and how I should grow from it. I was simply living.

And the cherry on the cake of life is fear. Think about. When you were young you were fearless. Nothing, no one, could touch you or hurt you. And maybe I’m just an extra-sensitive, self-conscious individual, but I seem to fear a lot. I fear the future, the unknown, no acceptance, love, hate, life, the world, people, God, ignorance (which I have so much of nowadays). Everything. Everything I do or touch seems to be tainted with fear. Is it possible for me to ever live without fear?

Is life just fear?

Past

Been digging through my past lately.
It’s funny what changes over time. The things that were once important are just things to me now. They hold no power, they hold no significance. And yet, 5 years ago, they were the world to me. I saw them as clear representations of my spirit, of my soul. Now they lay in the trash pile.

How did I make it? How did I survive all those years being alone? I was totally fine with myself and who I was. I did not compare, I did not judge, I did not yearn, I did not ache. What is so different, then to now? Was it school? Was I lying to myself the whole time? Why do I hurt so badly for something, someone, someplace now?

Five years ago, I was unaware of what I would become. Five years ago, I was ignorant to the changes to come. Five years ago, I was a completely different person.

100 Life Goals

I’ve decided to re-do my one hundred goals list because one, I lost the first one I did before and two, a lot of things have changed in the last year.

So here goes…

1. Appreciate every person I meet.
2. Learn to forgive.
3. Buy ice cream from Mr. Ice Cream cart creeper.
4. See the Eiffel Tower.
5. Meet an aboriginal individual in some far home place.
6. Join the Peace Corps.
7. Dance with the Dancing Sign Guy (his name is Leonard btw)
8. Have a picnic with the one I love
9. See Anberlin in concert and get a picture with them.
10. Ride my bike to school.
11. Go one whole year without eating meat, completely (cheaters go to hell).
12. Cut someone’s hair
13. Learn how to play the Cello Suite
14. Learn to speak French.
15. Write my own song on the piano.
16. See a Broadway play.
17. Don’t give up on my dreams
18. Get something published.
19. Hangout in a pub in Ireland.
20. Punch someone in the face.
21. Try a 77… (you know what I mean right? ;) )
22. Hulu dance in Hawaii
23. Laugh once a day, everyday, at least
24. Ask someone on a date.
25. Hike to the top of Pike’s Peak
26. Learn how to snowboard and ski
27. Go on a white water rafting trip
28. Ski the Swiss Alps
29. Walk the Great Wall of China
30. Try a chocolate covered cricket
31. Go skydiving (with Arri preferably)
32. Talk to a complete stranger in a grocery store
33. Go a whole day without talking
34. Volunteer at a cancer clinic
35. See State Radio in concert
36. Go zip-lining in a jungle
37. Call an old friend (haven’t talked to them in awhile of course) and tell them I love them.
38. Keep a journal record of my thoughts and life.
39. Play the flute…ya doosh
40. Take a ballet class
41. See the Aztec Pyramids
42. Go to a traditional Indian Wedding
43. Seek Jesus constantly
44. See the good in people…always, no matter the person
45. Kiss in the rain
46. Watch the clouds for hours on top of a green hill
47. Watch a live hockey game
48. Go to a futbol game, in Europe (duh)
49. Laugh until I pee my pants
50. Pay my parents back with something they have always wanted
51. Have a good conversation with Uncle Jimmy
52. Keep the family traditions going
53. Visit every major amusement park in American
54. Have pancakes and syrup in Canada
55. Take an Alaskan cruise
56. Learn to ballroom dance
57. Read every book I own (again)
58. Learn the names of actors and be awesome like Arri
59. Plant a tree
60. Milk a cow
61. Go to a protest as an actual protestor
62. Star gaze on the hood of a car
63. Go on a deep woods camping trip
64. Graduate from college with an open mind
65. Learn that learning never stops
66. Blow glass…ornament?
67. Make my own candle
68. Take a pottery class
69. See Moscow
70. Read every classic book
71. See Anne Frank’s house
72. Go to Rangeview’s graduation 20 years or more from now
73. Go a week without eating any food (good luck)
74. Wear a mini skirt (just once) and feel good about it
75. Buy a pair of red stilettos
76. Have gelato in Venice
77. Meet an author of a great bestselling book
78. Trust someone enough to fall in love
79. Thank God everyday for something
80. Cry in a movie theater at a really sad movie
81. Make out with Mr. Awesome on Look Out Mountain at night
82. Go Winter camping
83. Catch a fish
84. Make someone’s day brighter
85. Watch Arri’s and Maggie’s kids
86. Grow old with someone
87. Have a star named after me
88. Help the world, somehow
89. Have faith
90. Find a career that I can be completely happy with
91. Eat a peach in Georgia
92. Learn to surf
93. See all the oceans and seas of the world
94. Live out of the U.S. for an extended amount of time (2 years or more)
95. Sing karaoke at an open-mic night
96. Play beer pong
97. Win a prestigious award.
98. Ride in a cop car
99. Take a cross country road trip
100. Most importantly: Love, always, always love.

Proven

Must I prove myself to you? Must I spell every perfectly? Must I say all the right things? Must I be the perfect size? Must I change myself for you?

Can I not be the person I am before you? Can I not be who I am now?

No…

I must spell everything perfectly or I am not intelligent, in your eyes. I must say everything right or I am not clever, in your eyes. I must be the perfect size or I am not beautiful, in your eyes. I must change my heart completely or I do not belong, in your eyes.

It’s a cold life I live. It’s a lonely life I live. Waiting, always, waiting. Waiting to be everything you ever wanted to see. Waiting to be your idea of perfection.

I’m afraid it will never come.

Words

“Our reality is different from his vision.”

Words. Powerful? Weak? Moving? Insignificant?

Words. Make me feel lonely when they are gone.

Words. Make me feel deadly when they cut a friend down.

Words. Fill the silence, that’s it.

Words. Can they do anything? Will they do anything?

Words. Change a person’s heart.

Words. Create a beautiful story, mark a history, sing a song, bring a nation together.

Words. Simple ways to communicate, simple ways to connect.

Words. What can make me feel whole again? What can make me smile again?

Words. When I feel lonely I look to you.

Strength

“Boundaries were meant to be crossed.” –Kari Cassidy

Today, I will be crossing boundaries. I will let selfishness fade and just love (no strings or expectations attached). I will forgive. I will triumph.

I will be there. I will grow. I will appreciate. I will hope.

I will observe. I will smile. I will sing.

I will find the strength I have within myself. This is the most important thing I must do. I must find this strength. I will let this bitterness and hurt die in my heart.

I will breathe fresh air. For I am loved, for I am beautiful, for I am significant.

I will forgive. I will forgive. I will forgive. I will forgive.

Power

You know the people I envy? The people that can make people like me feel this depressed and lonely. They are the ones with power. They are the ones that break hearts.

Maybe we are all like that to someone. Maybe we all hold that power over someone else’s heart. Doubt that.

I hate you, person with the power over my heart; this was supposed to be a heart untouched. I opened it up to you (trusted you), you used what you needed, and then burned the rest. Congratulations, you left scars.

“Look for what is good and you will find it.” –Anne Perry

Alright, person, if you don’t want me in your life, I won’t be. I pray that I can begin to search for the good things that are in this life. I pray that what has happened between us won’t leave my heart bitter. And I pray I can let all this go. I pray that I can forgive.

I’m looking for the goodness of my life. I would have loved to have you involved with that goodness but you want nothing to do with me. It’s ok. I am being to understand why. I love you and I always will. I will leave you alone out of love because that’s what you want.