Fade

This idea of trust (faith) feels like a fathomless pit. I will never understand it, I will never have it, I will never possess it. I just fall into it and I am still twirling, whirling through the air hoping to land soon. I trust you? I say yes but in my heart I mean no.

It seems to me that we’ve all been hurt in this life. Had something burned, we opened up too much of our hearts to this concept of trust. What I truly don’t understand is how we could ever trust someone completely. That would actually mean opening up fully. When I think about it, I have never done that with anyone. I have never been myself. I have never have…

PAUSE

I simply have never felt more alone than right now. I need someone and that is all I can say. I need someone.

Never Again

I don’t think I can do it…never again. I just can’t take being hurt again. Why does it have to be such a risk? Everyone else seems to have it figured out except for me. Why does it always seem to end in silence?

I don’t want to feel like a criminal. I, unknowingly, was shoved into this system. I don’t want to be blamed for something I didn’t create. I wish I could fix it, I really do. But I am only one person. No power, no voice, nothing. This is a reality I’ve come to terms with and I try my hardest to make the best of it.

I don’t want to live a lie. It destroys me from the inside out. Breaks me into fragments. I don’t want to be told there is a solution when we all know we are just fumbling in the dark. We don’t know left from right, up from down.

I just don’t.

New Heart

It's not a competition and if it is, I don't have to win.
Because we win in the long run when we realize that we loved and laughed harder than any competitor.
It's not a judgment and if it is, I don't have to join in.
Because we have no place to make any judgment on other people.
It's not a prison and if it is, I don't have to be trapped.
Because we are free when we choose to be free, there can be freedom in obedience.

Ouch.

Why is this hurting so much? I thought you were serious, but you weren’t. Maybe it’s because I was very much serious and now I just feel like a fool.

Take my focus to other places. I don’t want to be here anymore.

You were my love. You still are my love. I miss you and I don’t understand. When something good happens I can’t help but think of how much better it would’ve been if you were still here.

It’s time to move on, I know it, I feel it. Patience. I need closure. Why can’t I just have closure?

You said you would never do this to me again. I want to know what happened this time to change your heart. What did I do wrong this time? Will I ever hear from you again?

I tired of feeling like this, I am thirsty. Give me a drink, please. Relief, something, anything. I am dying out here. I don’t know if I am going to be able to make it to the promise land.

Not enough.

I have a confession: I don’t feel like enough. I don’t know whether to try harder or just accept this fate. I feel like I am fading. Becoming incorporated. The funny thing is that I’ve always wanted to be incorporated but this time it’s weird. I am not myself this time. No one sees the true me and what is being incorporated is fake. People can see it, they know, I know. It’s wrong and I am panicking.

There is not a word to describe it except loneliness. I want to be enough, but I am not. What is around me is not enough either. I devour, consume thoughtlessly. I lose what is most important to me and half the time I don’t even realize it. I want more. More, always, more. This is not enough and is thinking troubles me the most. If I have friends, I want more friends and I do not appreciate the friends I have. If a friend talks to someone I know and not me, I suddenly want them to always talk to me. I don’t want to ever be alone or feel “forgotten”. That is a reality that I could never quite handle.

It’s a rat race though. Pointless and painful. My question is; how can I ever be content? Do I need to lose everything in order to be at peace? Will it come to that point?

That was my confession.

P.S. Amazing quote= “Love life and life will love you. Love people and they will love you.” –Arthur Rubinstein. This is good for my heart.

Art and Motorcycles

There are many reasons I could list for why I choose to smile. One day at a time. I try to keep my eyes on a bigger picture; try not getting caught up on the details. I wake up and I decide where this day will lead, what things I will accomplish.

I am on the brink of something extraordinary, I can feel it. It will make me happy. The anticipation tingles in my stomach and I can’t wait much longer. I grow restless. I get upset and feel trapped here, looking out the window, waiting for my life to begin. But it’s one step at a time. One moment to the next. I can’t wait. I cannot wait.

So for now, I choose this. My eyes are keen to the door opening, but they’re no longer stuck staring. I choose art and motorcycles, laughing until I burst, learning until I drop, loving until I die. It’s alright, for now. It’s alright, I’ll be alright, we’ll be alright.

Quotastic

Some beautiful quotes I have run across lately:

“People who believe in fear build walls; people who believe in freedom build bridges.” J. Blanton Belk
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen, keep in the sunlight.” Benjamin Franklin
“How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something, but to be someone.” Coco Chanel

Just thought I should share.